St. Louis Cardinals: I despise the Cardinals’ theme uniforms

michaeldavidmiles
PHOENIX, AZ - JULY 02: Marcell Ozuna #23 of the St. Louis Cardinals reacts to home plate umpire Andy Fletcher after a called third strike during the first inning of the MLB game against the Arizona Diamondbacks at Chase Field on July 2, 2018 in Phoenix, Arizona. (Photo by Christian Petersen/Getty Images)
PHOENIX, AZ - JULY 02: Marcell Ozuna #23 of the St. Louis Cardinals reacts to home plate umpire Andy Fletcher after a called third strike during the first inning of the MLB game against the Arizona Diamondbacks at Chase Field on July 2, 2018 in Phoenix, Arizona. (Photo by Christian Petersen/Getty Images) /
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Tomorrow is Independence Day in America and as such, MLB teams- the St. Louis Cardinals included- are wearing themed uniforms.

Let me get right to the point: I despise the St. Louis Cardinals 4th-of-July themed uniforms. These were debuted last night against the Arizona Diamondbacks. While Arizona’s weren’t as hideous as the St. Louis variety, I hated theirs too.

If you missed the game, the St. Louis Cardinals road jerseys were ceremoniously “replaced” with a new field of blue with stars inside each letter and number on the jersey. Additionally, each player wore themed socks that were very hard on the eyes.

To make matters even worse, players like Marcell Ozuna who sport compression sleeves (I have no idea why these are a thing, period) wore a blue sleeve with stars that matched the same blue field that littered the letters and numbers. And it doesn’t stop there… Ozuna matched his star sleeve with identical blue/star batting gloves (see the image above). Barf.

The theme-ing didn’t stop with the players as the umpires were circled in too. The umps, who traditionally wear all black shirts with gray slacks, were immune to the shirt changes but were forced to wear bright red hats with American paraphernalia.

Look, before you come at me on social media, I love being an American. That said, I am too often embarrassed by my luck at having been born in this country. I have been embarrassed when I travel abroad because of the ignorant things that I see other Americans do while not “at home.”

And, while trying my best to avoid getting into politics, I am disgustingly embarrassed by the immigration debacle that is taking place wherein children are being separated from their families. Politics be damned, this is just inhumane.

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Back to baseball then… My ire at the holiday uniforms is not misplaced as I equally despise the Star Wars themes and other themes that MLB tries do to build viewership and attendance. I just don’t get it.

Does MLB really think that fans will come to see the St. Louis Cardinals just to see them in a themed uniform and then stay long enough to buy food… and maybe fall in love with the game?

I don’t buy it that these themed uniforms are the gateway drug to fan engagement. Maybe I’m wrong or maybe I wasn’t drinking enough to think this idea is glorious.

One more complaint before moving on: the fools at FSMW also themed all their graphics to match the blue-with-stars theme. Players on base were marked with a star on the base graphic. Player names were stretched across the same field of blue with stars as the uniforms. It was just too much for me.

Having said all of that, if the St. Louis Cardinals will play the way they did in the first game against Arizona, then I suggest they wear these hideous uniforms until the winning way is zapped from them. This team needs something to rally around and sans a random cat or a surprising squirrel, perhaps the good old red-white-and-blue will inspire six runs or more per game.

Next: Moustakas?

What’s next in the theme night? What will the St. Louis Cardinals sport tonight, full body spandex suits? Maybe left field should be red, center field should be white, and right field should be blue… Happy birthday, America. To celebrate, we will explode some things in honor.

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