St. Louis Cardinals: Top 10 free agents of 2019 as Olive Garden dishes

St. Louis Cardinals fans are ready for some action, but, this lull is as good a time as any to think about the comforts of warm, hearty food. So, as an employee of Olive Garden, if we could wave a magic wand and turn this years’ top 10 free agents into dishes at Olive Garden, which ones would they be?

Full disclosure, I am a server at Olive Garden in the town where I go to school. I know the menu well, and have had the absolute pleasure of tasting the vast majority of it. Olive Garden’s menu falls into the short list of things I would call myself an expert in, the St. Louis Cardinals (maybe) being another.

As for the title image for this post, it makes sense to put old Jonathan Broxton as the face of this article. I have the utmost respect for Broxton as a long tenured MLB pitcher, but it would appear that he could do some damage to some breadsticks.

This list is not a list concerned with the minutia of where players are in the list, it’s not about ranking my favorite dishes at Olive Garden. This is purely a passion project about going into the mind of the free agent, then into the mind of the menu, and finding a match in the DNA of both. This is a very scientific process which has been a labor of the heart. I hope you enjoy.

10. Joe Kelly: 5 Cheese Ziti

I have never burned my hand more times than when I have tried to hand over a plate of 5 Cheese Ziti. These plates always come out of the kitchen at a sizzling temperature, just like former St. Louis Cardinals pitcher Joe Kelly’s 100 mph fastball. Kelly, as a closer, also frequents that high cheese up in the zone to put hitters away.

Kelly brings this arm with all his off the field personalities, much like the different tastes of the 5 cheeses on this dish. This is a match made in heaven.

9. Michael Brantley: Fried Mozzarella as entree

This order is allowed, but definitely not encouraged. You can walk into any restaurant and order any dish, but people who order an appetizer as an entree just seem to not want to dip their toes fully into both their wallet and the wonders of what the entrees have to offer.

To me, this says Michael Brantley. He is a solid player yes, but would be nothing world changing for the St. Louis Cardinals, especially as he is starting to get up there in age. He’s a second tier free agent, not the main course, just as appetizers are supposed to compliment the meal.

8. A.J. Pollock: Soup and Salad

Again, nothing wrong with just ordering soup and salad when you go to your neighborhood Olive Garden, but also this order seems to reflect not wanting to jump into the entrees. When you get this, everything on your table will truly be unlimited (soup, salad and breadsticks).

While A.J. Pollock would definitely be a step above Brantley for the St. Louis Cardinals in my opinion as far as ranking free agent outfielders, he is not quite a main course. Enjoy your gnocchi.

7. Nathan Eovaldi: Chicken Parmigiana

Yes this is the chicken parm. For continuity’s sake I am going to write it just like it is on the menu at Olive Garden. Eovaldi is a lot like Joe Kelly, he throws the ball very hard, he throws his heart out, and he pitches multiple innings. The chicken parm has similar qualities. It’s hot, cheese covered and full of plenty of meat.

6. Josh Donaldson: Braised Beef Bolognese

For those of you that do not know, braising beef means covering it in enough liquid to submerge it completely in a stew or other roast. According to the internet it is used on larger, lower quality cuts of meat. While I guarantee that Olive Garden does not use low quality cuts of meat, this treatment can make lower cuts of meat taste better and be more attractive.

I don’t know. That kind of sounds like what a one-year deal does for an aging former MVP. Donaldson did well by signing the one year, $23 million dollar deal with the Braves and that really makes it a low risk but still lucrative deal for him. I wish him the best in Atlanta and hope they enjoy their hearty meat-sauce-with-sausage-and-beef of a man they just picked up.

5. Dallas Keuchel: Lasagna Classico

Keuchel is a pitcher befitting of a classic style dish. Left handed, fastball/slider/changeup combo that is not too much of a strikeout guy, but can be a very good 2-3 man in anyone’s rotation. Nothing too flashy, but just good reliable pitcher. For me, this is the lasagna at Olive Garden.

Again, for me, lasagna sounds much more like weeknight dinner than what you order at a restaurant. BUT, this always surprises me how good it is, and how I always leave happy. Good, reliable stuff, just like what Keuchel would provide to the St. Louis Cardinals.

4. Craig Kimbrel: 6 oz Serloin with Fettuccini Alfredo-cooked medium rare

Craig Kimbrel is the great top dog closer of this year’s free agent class, so what better than the top cut sirloin for Kimbrel. He is long tenured, rarely falters, and you know you are always gonna enjoy him. Sounds like a steak to me.

And yes, it is cooked medium rare, because we like to enjoy our steak here at Redbird Rants.

3. Patrick Corbin: Shrimp Alfredo

The fettuccine alfredo is one of our most popular dishes, and I would liken it to a front of the rotation right handed pitcher. It is nothing too fancy but a go to dish that you can reasonably expect a win from every time out. Add some shrimp to it and it becomes shrimp alfredo and you take a front of the rotation righty and add some flavor, he becomes this left handed 3/4 slot strikeout man.

2. Manny Machado: Chicken and Shrimp Carbonara

For those of you that do not know, chicken and shrimp carbonara is the dish on the front of the menu at Olive Garden. It is pretty much our second most popular dish and is a hearty amount of food with lots of variety. Our second big dog.

So, it is only logical to attach this dish to Manny Machado. Machado is no second fiddle, but just like the peppers in the dish, he can be a little spicy sometimes. He provides some very quotable moments, but still will be paid more this winter than 99% of people will ever dream of having. Machado is the face of the offseason, as in a way, the chicken and shrimp carbonara is the face of Olive Garden.

1. Bryce Harper: Tour of Italy

Most people, especially St. Louis Cardinals fans, flip flop Harper and Machado at the top of their free agent rankings but this is MY list, so I want him first. What’s the most fitting for the top free agent? The grand king of the menu. With the Tour of Italy you get the chicken parm, fettuccine alfredo, and the lasagna; a little bit of everyone’s favorites.

Harper also has a little bit of everyone’s favorites. Do you want some homers? He’s got em. Do you want some spiciness off the field? He’s got it. And do you want some long flowing hair? He’s got it. Bon appetit.

Next. Missing on Josh Donaldson isn’t necessarily bad. dark

I hope you enjoyed this list, I do truly love Olive Garden, Darden, and my job there. My hope is that this is a nice break from the sluggish monotony of this offseason. If John Mozeliak or anyone from the St. Louis Cardinals front office ever sat down at my table, I would recommend he order one Tour of Italy and a 5 Cheese Ziti. God help Cardinals twitter if he goes to Olive Garden and only orders the Fried Mozzarella as an entree.

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