St. Louis Cardinals: Trying to blow out a flare

Don’t worry St. Louis Cardinals fans, I am NOT here to talk you off the “Fire Mike & Mo” ledge. That would be “like trying to blow out a flare.” Who doesn’t like being part of an angry mob storming a Bastille… or, in my case, watch them storming.

Yes, I watched Trevor Rosenthal come apart last night like a cardboard suitcase in a rainstorm. That 8th inning was sooo bad St. Louis Cardinals fans forgot that Brett Cecil pitched a scoreless inning earlier. The words “Cecil and scoreless” in the same sentence? What are those odds?

Enough about the hapless Cardinals, let’s talk about ME. I emerged here out of the cyber fog about a month ago. You know less about me than you did Brett Cecil back in March; 83 percent of you think his first name is “ThatDamn” Cecil.

Me? I have witnessed more “executions” than the chaplain at Huntsville Prison in Texas. That chaplain watches executions of good-ol-boys who stuff folks in wood chippers or carve ’em up with machetes. I watch head coaches/managers walk The Green Mile for their fateful date with Old Sparky.

"I have been doing this for almost twenty years and recall at least nine “executions” in the past ten years.  What fate awaits “Mike & Mo” ain’t gonna be nuthin’ I ain’t seen before."

My all-time “favorite” was the public disembowelment of Matt Doherty as Head Basketball Coach at UNC in 2003. That administrative train wreck was botched so awfully the AD and Chancellor earned Beavis & Butthead nicknames… from me. Invite me to speak at your civic club for the gory details.

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The Internet was specifically created to fire coaches, managers, ADs and GMs. That it turned “porn” into a multi-billion dollar industry and gave the world The Kardashians were secondary benefits.

Angry sports nerds who hate all authority figures have existed for centuries.

The Internet gave them global amplification from the comforts (?) of their double-wides and mammas’ basements.

Has Tony La Russa told Mike Matheny that all that separates him from the greatest managers in MLB history is… 99 percent of them have been fired at least once.

Two exceptions are Connie Mack and Mike Scioscia. Connie Mack owned the freakin’ team. Scioscia must have awesome Polaroids of Angels’ owner Arte Moreno being naughty with cute little farm animals.

Moreno still owes Josh Hamilton $100,000,000. You think signing Cecil was a bad deal?

Whatever “you people” do in the months to come, please keep going ALLCAPS about FIRE MATHENY… FIRE MOZELIAK… TEAR DOWN THE ARCH. Oops, not that last one.

I have a $5 bet with Michael Miles that there will be a FIRE MATHENY column visible on this website until at least five St. Louis Cardinals fans can correctly spell Red Schoendienst... i.e. forever.

Next: FIRE MATHENY... FIRE MATHENY... yawn

If I win the bet, I get to keep making fun of the angry mob. It’s a Win/Win for everyone except Mike Matheny and John Mozeliak. But since they are not real people who cares.