Let me begin by saying this article is purely for fun. There is no agenda. There are no stats. This piece is purely for joy.
I took it upon myself to try and identify which St. Louis Cardinals players reminded me of various food staples at Thanksgiving parties. This was initially challenging because I had to put aside my own biases (turkey over ham, cranberries are gross, etc.) to complete this rigorous challenge. I then had to mull over every player to see if he fit the description of that particular food.
I identified ten Thanksgiving food staples and the Cardinals player that best fits that particular food. I'll start my rundown with appetizers and salads, followed by the main course, and I'll close out with various desserts. Without further ado, let's get started!
Miles Mikolas: The salad
This one is corny. Miles Mikolas tosses the ball to home plate each at bat. Salads must be tossed before they are served. I warned you. Additionally, a salad is a conglomeration of many things: lettuce, cheese, croutons, onions, tomatoes, nuts, cracked pepper (see where I'm going?), and dressing. Miles Mikolas is a man of many interests, a renaissance man of sorts. Even his nickname, "The Lizard King", is unique. A salad is often the first food item people eat at dinner. As a starting pitcher, Mikolas is the first player to get the ball during a game. Due to Mikolas's vast array of interests and skills, I chose him as the salad.
Andre Pallante: Appetizers (veggie tray, charcuterie board)
Typically, appetizers aren't served at Thanksgiving meals. You want the main course to be the feature. Appetizers will fill people up, leaving them less interested in the main course. Therefore, appetizers are a background, light snack before the main course. They have a purpose, but that purpose isn't to fill people up. Andre Pallante, a pitcher who has started in the past and could be an opener next year at times, is our appetizer tray. You don't need Pallante to be excited about a game, but you're happy he's there if the team needs him. If you come to a dinner starving or if the meal isn't served until late, you're happy to have some snacks.