St. Louis Cardinals: Lars Nootbaar is gunning for your job

St. Louis Cardinals outfielder Lars Nootbaar produced a newscast, raising the question of what exactly he can't do.

St. Louis Cardinals outfielder and international baseball phenomenon Lars Nootbaar isn't satisfied with his current pace of world domination; he's now making Cardinals news outlets sweat bullets by providing his own broadcast coverage of the team.

Nootbaar's inaugural broadcast, which is titled "Noot News," began with him congratulating Tyler O'Neill for his new child. He then mentioned Ozzie Smith's golf game, Adam Wainwright's new album, Juan Yepez's marriage, and Jake Woodford's engagement. After a minor technical issue, Nootbaar found his footing and interviewed Cardinals catcher Andrew Knizner, covering the backstop's little-known versatility on the diamond.

Could Nootbaar clean up this broadcast? Sure. The jerking head movement to different camera angles could be smoothed out, but the camera work itself was solid, as were the transitions. He definitely shows some aptitude for the profession, and after his Hall of Fame baseball career concludes, he could pursue Jim Hayes' current job as a pregame, postgame and in-game reporter for the Cardinals.

It remains to be seen how many more issues of Noot News will be produced; Nootbaar will be busy over the next seven months with his primary job: smacking baseballs at a high exit velocity and grinding the pepper at a high...churning speed? He's probably better off focusing on that during the season and leaving the newscasts for more seasoned professionals. So rest easy, Bally Sports; you're not going anywhere — oh, wait.

If Nootbaar can play baseball, become a beloved icon overseas and produce newscasts on top of that, what's next on his itinerary? Dual-sport athlete? Michelin-starred chef? Chess grandmaster? I have no doubt at this point that Nootbaar could do any of these things.

People within the Cardinals fandom and outside of it should be aware and wary of Nootbaar because he is a man on a mission. Hold on to your job, because he could be lurking in the shadows, waiting to pounce when you least expect it. The tongue-lolling bundle of energy that is Lars Taylor-Tatsuji Nootbaar knows no bounds.