Four "bolder" predictions for the St. Louis Cardinals in 2024

This is entirely satire and meant for comedic purposes. None of these are realistic predictions. Happy April Fools!
St. Louis Cardinals v Los Angeles Dodgers
St. Louis Cardinals v Los Angeles Dodgers / Kevork Djansezian/GettyImages
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4 - Oli Marmol will hit a home run

It's a year for old people in St. Louis, and the Cardinals have been bringing in all sorts of senior citizens to give veteran leadership. While many fans have wondered why AARP members Matt Carpenter and Brandon Crawford have been signed as players rather than coaches, the organization has made it clear that players are more effective at leading the team than coaches.

Since Oli Marmol is the best leader on the Cardinals, it's only logical that he should suit up and join the active roster rather than sit on the bench and do nothing. Playing would be the best way to provide leadership to a core of young and undisciplined rookies who would otherwise overrun the clubhouse, and Oli surely would do whatever is best to lead his team to victory.

Oli played in the Cardinals' minor league organization from age 20 to 23 but he was never called up to the Majors because he wasn't old enough. Now, at age 37, he's the perfect age to join the roster. He hit five homers as a Cardinals prospect, so he surely would hit at least one when he starts playing in games to provide true veteran leadership.


It should go without saying, but these "BOLDER" predictions are all for satire. Happy April Fool's, hope this was an enjoyable read. It's near impossible for any of these to come true and it's all in good fun. On this April Fool's all of Cardinals Nation collectively hopes for a rebound from last season. Hopefully, 2023 was all an elaborate prank that won't ever happen again...