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Four "bolder" predictions for the St. Louis Cardinals in 2024
This is entirely satire and meant for comedic purposes. None of these are realistic predictions. Happy April Fools!
It's been an interesting start for the 2024 Cardinals, but even though the season has begun, it's not too late for some last-minute predictions. I gave some bold predictions a few months ago, but now it's time to get bolder. Since all of my bold predictions are inevitably coming true, it's time to shoot higher with four more. Here they are.
Please read the final paragraph of the story for an important PSA...enjoy!
1 - Jordan Walker will win the Platinum Glove
After a season with some of the worst defense in the league, it's hard to believe Jordan Walker will win the Platinum Glove in 2024. However, he's spent all offseason working with Jose Oquendo in Jupiter and has made significant improvements. He's extremely athletic, fast, and far too talented to not become a good defender one day, and I believe 2024 is the year he truly turns it around.
He's currently tied for the league lead with zero errors, and he's projected to not make a single error for the rest of the season. Since fielding percentage is the most accurate metric for measuring a defender's value, Walker's 1.000 percentage makes him the perfect candidate for Platinum Glove.
Fernando Tatis Jr., who won the Platinum Glove in 2023, took similar defensive strides to Walker. In 2021, Tatis was one of the worst defenders in the entire league and sought to make significant improvements. After surviving a life-threatening battle with ringworm that kept him off the field in 2022, he was the best defender in the league earning Platinum Glove honors in 2023. Due to these trends, it's only natural that the most improved fielder Jordan Walker will win this honor in 2024.
Walker's work ethic and inability to make errors will certainly earn him these awards in 2024, and I'm confident he'll be the best defender in the entire National League.
2 - Alec Burleson steals 40 bases
Alec Burleson isn't known for his speed, but he's sneakily becoming a candidate to lead the National League in stolen bases. This Spring, he made an effort to improve his running game and wasn't caught stealing a single time. So far, he hasn't made any attempts to steal in 2024, but if Burleson becomes more aggressive, he could easily reach the 40 mark.
With the new rule changes and the bases enlarged, all Burleson needs to do is try for more stolen bases. Since he has a 100% success rate this year, all he needs to do is get on first and sprint for second the moment the pitcher lifts his leg. Perhaps he'll get some inspiration from his new teammate Victor Scott II. If Burleson develops Scott's aggressiveness, he'll easily reach 40. Perhaps he'll even make a run at Rickey Henderson's all-time record.
3 - Lance Lynn records an ERA under 2.50
Even though the signing was doubted by all the haters, Lance Lynn is back to prove that he still has what it takes to be a Cy Young candidate in 2024. He was signed to a 1-year $10 million contract, an absolute steal for St. Louis. It's sure great that Bill DeWitt didn't allow the Cardinals to sign any of the other "top pitchers" on the market since Lance Lynn was definitely the best option.
So far this season, Lynn has a 0.00 ERA and completely diced up the Dodgers' batters with no trouble at all. In fact, the Dodgers were so scared of Lance Lynn that they forced an unnecessary rain delay so the Cardinals would need to remove him. It was a cheap trick by the Dodgers, but they lost the game anyway.
However, it's only been one start and only an idiot would use small sample sizes to draw conclusions on the overall season. So, let's look at FIP, the best metric for measuring a pitcher's future success. Since Lance Lynn has an FIP of 1.89, it's clear that his ERA will be far below 2.50 for the rest of the year.
4 - Oli Marmol will hit a home run
It's a year for old people in St. Louis, and the Cardinals have been bringing in all sorts of senior citizens to give veteran leadership. While many fans have wondered why AARP members Matt Carpenter and Brandon Crawford have been signed as players rather than coaches, the organization has made it clear that players are more effective at leading the team than coaches.
Since Oli Marmol is the best leader on the Cardinals, it's only logical that he should suit up and join the active roster rather than sit on the bench and do nothing. Playing would be the best way to provide leadership to a core of young and undisciplined rookies who would otherwise overrun the clubhouse, and Oli surely would do whatever is best to lead his team to victory.
Oli played in the Cardinals' minor league organization from age 20 to 23 but he was never called up to the Majors because he wasn't old enough. Now, at age 37, he's the perfect age to join the roster. He hit five homers as a Cardinals prospect, so he surely would hit at least one when he starts playing in games to provide true veteran leadership.
Conclusion
It should go without saying, but these "BOLDER" predictions are all for satire. Happy April Fool's, hope this was an enjoyable read. It's near impossible for any of these to come true and it's all in good fun. On this April Fool's all of Cardinals Nation collectively hopes for a rebound from last season. Hopefully, 2023 was all an elaborate prank that won't ever happen again...
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