Assigning ‘Simpsons’ characters to 12 St. Louis Cardinals

jbuchheit
LOS ANGELES, CA - OCTOBER 14: (L _ R) Shot of a statue of Homer Simpson, Marge Simpson, Maggie Simpson, Lisa Simpson and Bart Simpson at a celebration of the 600th Episode of "The Simpsons" at YouTube Space LA on October 14, 2016 in Los Angeles, California. (Photo by Michael Tullberg/Getty Images)
LOS ANGELES, CA - OCTOBER 14: (L _ R) Shot of a statue of Homer Simpson, Marge Simpson, Maggie Simpson, Lisa Simpson and Bart Simpson at a celebration of the 600th Episode of "The Simpsons" at YouTube Space LA on October 14, 2016 in Los Angeles, California. (Photo by Michael Tullberg/Getty Images) /
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MILWAUKEE, WISCONSIN – SEPTEMBER 22: Nolan Arenado #28 of the St. Louis Cardinals up to bat against the Milwaukee Brewers at American Family Field on September 22, 2021 in Milwaukee, Wisconsin. Cardinals defeated the Brewers 10-2. (Photo by John Fisher/Getty Images)
MILWAUKEE, WISCONSIN – SEPTEMBER 22: Nolan Arenado #28 of the St. Louis Cardinals up to bat against the Milwaukee Brewers at American Family Field on September 22, 2021 in Milwaukee, Wisconsin. Cardinals defeated the Brewers 10-2. (Photo by John Fisher/Getty Images) /

Tyler O’Neill: Rainier Wolfcastle

From a physical standpoint, this is the easiest comparison on the list. Wolfcastle and Tyler O’Neill both possess freakish strength and bodybuilding backgrounds. O’Neill has been recorded on video quarter-squatting up to 585 pounds, and his father was named “Mr. Canada” in 1975 for his bodybuilding skills. Wolfcastle, like O’Neill, was not born in the U.S. In Wolfcastle’s case, he was born in Austria.

Wolfcastle began acting as a child, starring in Austrian commercials, and eventually started performing in action films, most notably the “McBain” series. Like Wolfcastle, O’Neill tends to crave the limelight regarding his performance, as he has been a far better as a regular in the lineup than as a reserve, as the crevasse between his starting stats and his stats when he came off the bench indicates.

Nolan Arenado: Kang & Kodos

Nolan Arenado‘s breathtaking defensive plays are not of a native Earthling. Kang and Kodos, the villainous space aliens who are most prominent in the show’s annual “Treehouse of Horror” episodes, are determined to take over the earth and enslave humanity in several of their appearances. While these objectives hopefully aren’t on Arenado’s agenda, his dual ability to play defense and offense at an elite level likely strikes fear into the hearts of opponents.

In what I believe to be Kang and Kodos’ best appearance, the “Citizen Kang” segment of Treehouse of Horror VII, the aliens attempt to replicate humans to fool America’s population, albeit to substandard results. Eventually, Kang becomes president of the United States after Kang and Kodos are revealed as aliens.

Arenado’s eight years with Colorado Rockies also cast some doubt on who he really was. Denver’s well-known thin air likely aided in his home runs, leaving some fans (including me) to be unsure whether he could produce in Busch Stadium. While his home run levels understandably fell a bit, he showed he can still be a very productive player on both sides of the ball, even if his mimicry of the Rockies’ Arenado had a few wrinkles.

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