Assigning ‘Simpsons’ characters to 12 St. Louis Cardinals

jbuchheit
LOS ANGELES, CA - OCTOBER 14: (L _ R) Shot of a statue of Homer Simpson, Marge Simpson, Maggie Simpson, Lisa Simpson and Bart Simpson at a celebration of the 600th Episode of "The Simpsons" at YouTube Space LA on October 14, 2016 in Los Angeles, California. (Photo by Michael Tullberg/Getty Images)
LOS ANGELES, CA - OCTOBER 14: (L _ R) Shot of a statue of Homer Simpson, Marge Simpson, Maggie Simpson, Lisa Simpson and Bart Simpson at a celebration of the 600th Episode of "The Simpsons" at YouTube Space LA on October 14, 2016 in Los Angeles, California. (Photo by Michael Tullberg/Getty Images) /
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ST LOUIS, MO – AUGUST 24: Harrison Bader #48 of the St. Louis Cardinals slides into third for a triple during the eighth inning against the Detroit Tigers at Busch Stadium on August 24, 2021 in St Louis, Missouri. (Photo by Jeff Curry/Getty Images)
ST LOUIS, MO – AUGUST 24: Harrison Bader #48 of the St. Louis Cardinals slides into third for a triple during the eighth inning against the Detroit Tigers at Busch Stadium on August 24, 2021 in St Louis, Missouri. (Photo by Jeff Curry/Getty Images) /

Harrison Bader: Duffman

Harrison Bader’s ebullience and enthusiasm on the baseball field and in the clubhouse fit the qualities of Duffman, the chief spokesman for Duff Beer. Bader seems to have the personality that would befit the face of a franchise, and he only added to it when he was named the “King of Mardi Gras” in St. Louis this year.

Bader’s personality transfers well to his performance on the field, especially on defense and on the basepaths, where his speed is an asset. It has been revealed in the show that there are multiple actors who play Duffman, and while it hasn’t been proven, I can see there being multiple Baders in the outfield; what else explains that ability to get to all those sinking fly balls?

Dylan Carlson: Artie Ziff

Dylan Carlson’s potential is sky high, and the same could be said for Artie Ziff in high school, the man who took Marge Simpson to the prom. Marge fell for Ziff’s intelligence beyond his years, and Carlson seems to possess that intelligence at the plate. Plate discipline as advanced as Carlson’s is exceedingly rare among players his age, as he led all Cardinals starters in lowest chase rate on pitches at 23.9%.

In episodes set in the present, Ziff has been shown to have amassed quite a fortune, and if Carlson can keep the plate discipline he’s shown that belies his years, he too could make quite the dough. Ziff, however, had a giant hole in his life thanks to Marge’s rejection of him, but he eventually made a robot version of Marge and married it. Carlson’s hitting profile could also still use some refining, as his weakness to high velocity up in the zone illustrates. Let’s hope his ways of fixing that issue aren’t so drastic.

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