Assigning ‘Simpsons’ characters to 12 St. Louis Cardinals

jbuchheit
LOS ANGELES, CA - OCTOBER 14: (L _ R) Shot of a statue of Homer Simpson, Marge Simpson, Maggie Simpson, Lisa Simpson and Bart Simpson at a celebration of the 600th Episode of "The Simpsons" at YouTube Space LA on October 14, 2016 in Los Angeles, California. (Photo by Michael Tullberg/Getty Images)
LOS ANGELES, CA - OCTOBER 14: (L _ R) Shot of a statue of Homer Simpson, Marge Simpson, Maggie Simpson, Lisa Simpson and Bart Simpson at a celebration of the 600th Episode of "The Simpsons" at YouTube Space LA on October 14, 2016 in Los Angeles, California. (Photo by Michael Tullberg/Getty Images) /
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It’s time to give 12 starring members of the St. Louis Cardinals their equivalents from “The Simpsons.”

Thirty years ago, the hit television show “The Simpsons” was in the middle of one of its finest seasons. On Feb. 20, 1992, the show cranked out what I believe is the second-best episode in the show’s history (and yes, I have seen every episode of the show).

“Homer at the Bat” involves billionaire owner Mr. Burns of the Springfield nuclear power plant making a bet with rival Shelbyville power plant owner Aristotle Amadopolis on who would win their softball game. To get a leg up, Mr. Burns and his assistant, Waylon Smithers, recruits nine major league ballplayers at the time to play for the team, each relegating a current worker at the power plant on the team to a bench position.

I won’t go into any more detail about the episode, because if you haven’t seen it, I want you to go watch it. To celebrate the 30th anniversary of this iconic episode, I am going to painstakingly compare 12 current Cardinals to the recurring “Simpsons” characters whom I think they each best embody, not just in personality, but also in their role and performance on the team.

I got the idea to write this after reading this article from Mike Petriello, which analyzes how Mr. Burns’ assembled team of professionals would fare over a whole season given different scenarios. The article you’ll be reading now simply flips the concept of “Homer at the Bat” and gives it a Cardinals twist.

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