Wait, Matt Adams Stole A Base?

Wednesday, May 21, 2014, one Matthew James Adams , A.K.A. “Big City,” stole third base in a major league baseball game. If you have seen Matt Adams play baseball this might seem a bit far-fetched to you. If you perchance did not see the theft the game you might not believe that it happened, but trust it me it is now a historical fact that Adams is a threat on the base paths.

At first you might be tempted pass over this incident without much consideration. After all, bases are stolen every day. Sure, this was unexpected, but was it really earth shattering? It is precisely this lack of understanding of the magnitude of Adams’ 90-foot dash that has prompted me to help Cardinal Nation comprehend the ramifications. Fortunately for you, our dear reader, you have me. With my understanding of history, politics, theology, and the world at large I am uniquely equipped to shepherd you through this crisis. Below are seven major apocalyptic consequences of Big City’s larceny.

1. A swarm of locusts will soon be devouring Wrigley Field.
2. A heavenly choir of angels that just got their wings is now singing.
3. An ancient Mayan just rolled over in his grace and mumbled, “Carry the 3! I forgot to carry the 3!”
4. Global warming has now been reversed. (If you think the whole thing was a scam, or at the very least overblown you might miss this one. Good thing for you I am here).
5. They are now playing hockey somewhere well known to be quite warm, and I do not refer to Phoenix.
6. The next flyover at Busch Stadium will be done by swine.
7. Republicans and Democrats will now agree on things, and our government will run smoothly.

Ok, number 7 took things too far. Even an apocalypse brought on by our beloved Big City could not prompt our government to run smoothly.

But the locusts, that is definitely happening. So long Wrigley.