The Offseason That Dreams Are Made Of.

Well, everyone said it would be a boring offseason for the Cardinals, what with no major needs and no big free agents on the radar.  No one told me it would also be an offseason for head scratching and eye rolling.  What I really want to ask Cardinals GM John Mozeliak right about now is whether he has a bet with Phillies GM Ruben Amaro as to which of them can sign the most bad baseball players in a single offseason.  Is there cash involved or is it a bragging rights thingy?

St. Louis Cardinals general manager John Mozeliak addresses the media during a press conference announcing the contract extension of St. Louis Cardinals catcher Yadier Molina (not pictured) at Roger Dean Stadium. Mandatory Credit: Scott Rovak-USA TODAY Sports

First, Mr. Mozeliak, in search of a right handed bench bat, signs Ty Wigginton to a  two year contract.  Wigginton, you say, you mean he of the sub-sub-sub Mendoza line batting average off the bench?  When I first heard about the signing, I thought, what happened?  Did Wigginton threaten to hold his breath until he turned blue unless Mozeliak signed him?  Or maybe Mo just felt that there weren’t enough players on the roster whose name starts with “W”?   Hey, Mo, I hear the Angels want to unload Vernon Wells.  Too bad Whit Wyatt is dead, you could get a twofer.  Or better yet, coax Willie Wilson and Wilbur Wood out of retirement and have a party.  I still haven’t wrapped my head around the Wigginton signing.

And now the signing of Ronny Cedeno.  Yes. little Ronny “Perpetual DL” Cedeno.  Is there an appendage he hasn’t injured yet?  Perhaps a tendon or a muscle he hasn’t torn?   Maybe his teammates can all wear neck braces on his first day of Spring Training to make him feel welcome.   Wow, that career .290 OBP really makes me want to click up my heels in celebration.  Yep, has to be the signing we have all been waiting with baited breath for.  So, there’s Furcal, and Cedeno, and Descalso and Kozma, and perhaps Ryan Jackson if he hasn’t been sent to the Gulag yet.  The middle infield depth of my………….uh, never mind.

With all the signing of low hanging fruit goodies, there better be a big whopping extension for Adam Wainwright in the making.  There has to be some reason for the shopping at the outlet mall.  Just sign Waino and maybe I will forgive these recent atrocities.  If it helps, I could scour the local little league for a second baseman.  I hear they work cheap.