It is a tense time for Cardinal Nation right now given it is the last month of the regular season and the playoff hopes of Cardinal fans are dimming. No doubt it is even more tense for the team as they try to win enough games to catch the Milwaukee Brewers in the standings. So I thought I would take the opportunity in the midst of all the seriousness to write an inconsequential post, full of nonsense and fluff, signifying nothing. (May Shakespeare not roll in his grave for that one).
First off let me say that if you haven’t figured it out yet, I am a member of the female gender. While I am as passionate a baseball connoisseur as any man I know and I can discuss the intricacies of the infield fly rule with the best of them, I still look at the game through female eyes and have female thoughts about things that my male counterparts probably don’t even think about. I assure you that what I am about to post is family friendly for the most part so you don’t need to adjust your parental controls. For my male readers I suggest you take this post as another opportunity to discuss with your buddies how women are impossible to understand. Finally, I want to apologize in advance to the wives of any particular player I mention who may take offense to what I say. With that said, here it comes.
I don’t understand the propensity for baseball players to shave their heads. Is it a comfort thing? I say that because I can’t think of a single shaved head on a baseball player that I think is attractive. Not one. Some female Cardinal fans have expressed dismay about the current modified mohawk style that Chris Carpenter is sporting. Frankly, I am so glad to see hair on his head that I can’t find fault with it. And while I am on the subject of Mr. Carpenter, I like the scruffy beard look that he had for a while. That little tuft of hair under his lower lip really needs company.
Next subject: tattoos. I am not a fan. But if I can’t see them, I’m okay. Yadier Molina’s neck tats therefore drive me crazy. Yadi has always been one of my favorites and it pains me to see him come to bat now because I find myself wanting to look away to avoid the sight of those tats. Female Yadi fans are not happy.
I am, however, a fan of the high socks. More please. Continuing on the uniform front, why can’t the Cardinals have more variety in their jerseys? The Cardinals have two options; white for home and gray for the road. I would like to see them occasionally sport another color. The Mariners have those really nice teal jerseys, or the navy blue ones that the Padres or the Braves have are cool as well. Let’s have some color. Pretty please?
Sunflower seed spitting. Why? There is such a thing as shelled sunflower seeds. Regular spitting is bad enough. And when I see bunches of sunflower seeds being thrown around, are those whole seeds or just the shells? On second thought I don’t think I want to know.
Chewing tobacco is not nearly as prevalent as it once was, but some still do it. It is bad for your health so I don’t get it. Stick a wad of bubble gum in there instead if you have an insatiable need for the protruding cheek look.
I understand that certain, err, adjustments are necessary once in a while for our gentlemen. However, developing a little more finesse in masking it might be worthwhile considering that the TV cameras always seem to find it when it is done. And it also might be helpful for the occasional child in the stands whom I have overheard asking Mommy what that man is doing.
There are more observations that I could make but they entail things that are better left for gatherings of female baseball fans with adult beverages. Any of my readers please feel free to add anything that I have left out in the comment section. And if anyone with any influence with the team is reading this, I am really serious about the jersey thing, okay?