Hope may spring eternal, but every die hard baseball fan knows that worrying is much more satisfying. Now that the first pitches of spring training have been thrown we will all begin to worry and fret over the season that might be. Valid questions start to appear: What if Peter Bourjos runs into a wall? Is Allen Craig fragile? Is Kolten Wong the real deal? And who will teach Jhonny Peralta to spell his name so that my spellchecker doesn’t freak out? Sometimes the biggest problem is not being sure what to worry about.
Fear not, my fellow Fredbird fretter. I have taken it upon myself to give you the 10 biggest things you need to be worried about heading into this season. Any one of these ten things could take this Cardinals season from “Have a Happy Flight” to Heartbreak Hotel, so be on guard.
9. Manager Mike Matheny decides to let Adam Wainright throw 150 pitches every game, no matter the situation.
8. General Manager John Mozeliak finally listens to fans and trades Matt Holliday, Lance Lynn, Shelby Miller, Jon Jay, Matt Adams, and everyone else the fan base has wanted to ship out of town over the last three years while the team has been averaging 91 wins.
7. The team decides to host multiple soccer games at Busch Stadium during the season, leaving the Busch Stadium field in roughly the same playing condition as your local mud bog.
6. Before June the Pirates and Reds remember that in order to win you have actually try to improve your team.
5. In a rash of conversions unseen since the First Great Awakening, large numbers of the Cardinals convert to Mormonism and leave on two-year missions in August.
4. After a rough start Jhonny Peralta returns to using performance enhancing drugs, and convinces Michael Wacha and Trevor Rosenthal to do the same. The three PED amigos are caught when Rosenthal reaches 183 mph on the radar gun.
3. During a freak thunderstorm on a return trip from Florida the team plane gets lost and crashes on an unknown island in the Atlantic. While Pittsburgh runs away with the division the Redbirds spend their time fleeing a smoke monster and trying to find a way off the island.
2. The National League institutes a “No Matts” rule, prohibiting anyone named Matt from playing. The loss of Carpenter, Adams, and Holliday would prove to be fatal to this team. As an aside, after weeks of mediation, Commissioner Bud Selig would allow Mat “One T” Latos to continue to play for the Reds, further infuriating Cardinal Nation.
1. The team turns its Twitter account over to Carlos Martinez.